how to be a silly man

Today's modern urban man can be a great many things, but one thing we have a great deal of trouble being is manly, at least in the traditional sense of the word. What follows is a list of times and situations in the recent past where I have felt/acted like a very, very silly man and some simple advice on how to live with yourself as a result.

* Riding the subway is great. But it is soooo dirty. What's a modern urban man to do? Purell, my darlings. I like to buy it in bulk. But oh how silly we look, exiting the subway, lathering up with that cute little tube of anti-bacterial as a team of large NYC Sanitary workers move our city's filth and refuse. I recommend adverting eyes.

* Today's man of the city shouldn't be ashamed of baking. A tasty saturday banana bread can be a nice little treat for you and your lover. But careful. If you set off the CO2 monitor, and you call ConEd because you don't know how to turn off said C02 monitor they are required -- by law -- to send the FDNY.

Tip: It's best to remove your apron before 785 collective lbs of FDNY show up to your apartment.

* Staying fit can be so hard, what with our busy upwardly mobile schedules. Why not try triathlon? And you are sure to get quite a few great comments of admiration and cat calls for your lycra tights and shaved legs from the construction workers using the jack hammer out side your apartment.

* Getting a flat tire on your car is never fun. So if it happens to you, on say the Merritt Pkwy in Connecticut, here's a quick step by step guide of what to do.

1. Get out of your car and pace around the grass a bit. This will keep you calm.

2. Spill all the contents of the trunk spare (jack, spare, other doohickythingy) onto the ground.

3. Look at contents a bit. Scratch chin.

4. Roll up sleeves and make half assed attempt to change said tire.

5. Get self into precarious situation where life is likely in danger.

6. Call your rental car company. Have as little information for them as possible as to your exact location. You want to make sure *they* know how to do *their* jobs.

7. Assure roadside assistance that, "You would totally change the tire yourself. But you feel that there is not quite enough room on the shoulder to get the job done." Repeat this as many times as possible.

8. Wait for roadside assistance to show up.

9. Run around like an overly eager 5 year old trying to "help" roadside assistance personel. Totally comment on how great their tools are, and when possible offer advice. THEY LOVE THIS.

10. Sheepishly tuck $10 bill on windshield wiper of vehicle, and drive home with hazards on doing 45 mph.

* When buying a venus silky smooth razor, a great amount of embarrassment can be saved if you purchase a blue one and announce loudly, "GEEEZ WIFE YOUR RAZORS SURE ARE EXPENSIVE!" Do this regardless of wife being present or actually being married.

Gentleman and fellow pansypants, with a little work you too can remove that last remaining amount of pesky dignity from your life.

Bon chance!