1. I am a hyper dedicated badass. There are few problems that have ever been laid before me that I have not risen, incredibly, to meet. I am a surgical master applicator of self discipline and will power.
2. Jesus, you stupid, lazy, fat bastard! Why, why WHY! did it take you four feckin' years of triathlon-ing (including one pretty freaking mediocre ironman) to drop those lbs?
This race report comes to you through those alternating lenses of self perspective. Enjoy.
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Pre-Race
Badass --
I've lost 30 lbs in under 6 months. I am toeing the line with the knowledge that a PR must, must, MUST be coming. All I need to do is essentially lean back and let the glory come. I have gotten great sleep, eaten pretty well the last few days, coming in at good race weight of 175lbs. No booze for three weeks, either.
I am feeling comfortable with an executable race plan.
Fat-ass --
Your "taper" was pretty weak, dude. You should be beyond this at this point. You dropped miles way too quickly and let yourself focus far too much on burn out. Further, your race nutrition plan is a little too up in the air for a key race. Also, 175 is a decent race weight, but seriously, you aren't clinically "obese" anymore. Congratufuckinglations, hero on *not* giving yourself diabetes. You are a real champ.
Swim
Badass --
There is some chop but I have not allowed it to side track me. Fucking laser, dudes. I am following a swim leader pretty well and have to be in the top 5 to get out of the water in my wave. 30:28, which is pretty well off my hopes of a 28 minute swim. However, this is a goal time that four of the top ten pro-men would fail to meet. I come in ninth in my age group in the swim and feel great for the bike.
My transition time more than makes up for the swim time lost.
Fat-ass --
Two swims a week are NOT going to cut it, guy. When you do get to the pool, you are also going to need to do more than a warm up, have a quick (and solitary) game of marco polo and call it a day. Absolutely true and sad fact, the thirteen year old version of yourself would have done better at the swim today.
Also this is not a brag, "I can put my clothes on quick." It is something the losers of a 1990s dating video might think would pass for a pick up line
Bike
Badass --
There are more hills than I thought, but I am rocking a very solid and consistent time and my legs feel absolutely fantastic. The terrain is conducive to my well trained ironman performance from 2010.
And I sure am taking on this nutrition. No trouble there. But maybe I should have some water at some point? Nah, gatorade and cliff bars are fine.
Twenty-fourth place after the bike, just 40 secs slower than goal. A 2:40.40. I also negative split and am right on a perfect pace to hit my goal to break five hours.
Fat-ass --
You dumb son-of-a ...
What the HELL were you thinking? Have you been eating nothing but gravel this whole time? Sick bike, but this ISN'T a bike race. It is a triathlon, and now you can't move without feeling like you are going to barf.
Cliff bars and gatorade? How on earth did you think that was going to cut it for the run?
Run
Badass --
I have to admit it, the first three miles do not inspire much "rocking badassery". I am feeling the weight of disappointment for those first many steps. I was absolutely in the right position to hit my goal time and it is fairly instantly clear that this goal will not be achieved because of a flawed nutrition plan.
My upset stomach stopped me from eating almost entirely, and this NEW nutrition plan is perhaps stupider than the first nutrition plan.
However, it is going to take huge failure to not PR by at least 20 minutes. I pull my head out of my ass and come up with a new plan. One that takes into account my sorry gut. I can still get in a sub 5:20 if I pull it together. Let's try this. No more gatorade, drink water at every stop, and have a gu every three miles. Run for 10 minutes and walk 1 minute.
And you know what? That's about enough out the fat-ass. Look, these things are hard. Ironman Arizona is on the horizon. I tried something and it didn't work. I'll toe the line again and give it another shot. I had the fortitude to re-adjust my day and slog through a very, very challenging run.
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In losing this weight I have found a lot more speed. With that speed has come greater expectations, expectations that I am putting on myself. The later may be metaphorical weight, but sometimes it feels every bit as heavy.
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In losing this weight I have found a lot more speed. With that speed has come greater expectations, expectations that I am putting on myself. The later may be metaphorical weight, but sometimes it feels every bit as heavy.
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